My "Awakening", sort of!

Changes of perception.

I didn’t have an amazing “awakening” suddenly visited by ETs or angels, nor did I see a flash of light and hear a loud voice in my mind telling me I was here to help people in the world, although I remember having a feeling when I was very young that I would do so.
 
It was all quite sedate and mundane really and it came about because my relationships were not going well, I didn’t like who I was and was angry at myself for this. I could not communicate at all and found that I was completely disconnected from my emotions. So what would happen was a great volcanic eruption of anger when something didn’t turn out right or when I was stressed out.
 
So I changed my diet because my back was aching all the time and my bowels weren’t working well and I started to read some interesting books including heart centred caring for children. All this happened whilst I had post-natal depression, but I knew I had problems with expressing myself way before this.
 
I was desperately unhappy that I was not enjoying motherhood. I found everything to do with caring for my daughter really hard. I didn’t know how to tap into my intuition to help me with her care. It made me really sad because I wanted this time to be full of fun and joy. I just got lower and lower and hated myself even more.
 
What helped me out of this state and into my present work as a therapist was the decision I made to change. I wanted to change because I wanted to be a better parent to my child. I lacked energy, I was angry, then morose, and nothing anyone said or did could get me out of that state of mind. It was very bleak indeed. I don’t know if one could call it the “dark night of the soul” because there were many days, months and years of it before I decided to change. I suppose one could call it depression.
 
The impetus for change was because of another: my daughter.
It got me out of my hole of despair and stopped me wallowing in guilt and hate for myself. My focus changed from just existing to having a reason to live and to live well.
 
Within a month of going raw vegan, I found my mind less foggy and I had so much more energy as well. All the low heavy feelings I had had before this disappeared. I was on my way out of this state of loathing, self-hate, guilt and anger. (I am not raw vegan any more but am still vegetarian and have my raw smoothie once a day.)
 
Now looking back and after reading other people’s accounts of their depression and how they emerged from it, I realise that there are some ways people can help themselves to cope with it or to emerge from it completely. I still have dark days, but I know how to help myself and also whom to get help from if I need to and I realise that these days do not last forever (unless I decided I want to stay in this state) and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if at that point I cannot perceive it at all and believe me, the perception of light or relief can be non-existent.
 
I know now that I am in charge of how I feel and my emotional and physical state. I also know that I am in charge of my reactions to people, what they say and what they do. And I choose my response too, even if it means taking a few days to think of how I really feel about it.
 
Changing the diet and emerging from depression occurred in 2007 when Orla was two years old, almost 11 years ago.
 
It was 2009 when I attended the first Angelic Reiki workshop and suddenly, I was hearing voices and hearing crystals and baskets made by the Native American peoples at the British Museum. The voices weren’t loud or intrusive, almost like whispers and sometimes there were no words at all, just sensations of energy all around my body especially around the right side of my head. I really did not expect this and it certainly was not advertised. AR is an alternative healing therapy and I believe it strongly connects people to their Soul/SuperConscious/SuperGenius state.
This is why I love facilitating AR workshops, there is so much potential for people to connect with themselves, because ultimately, it is just a remembering of ourselves, not a reliance on any outside force no matter how benevolent and helpful it may seem to be.
 
After this my life changed and separation from Orla’s father ensued and we moved away from the family home.
I only attended workshops again in 2011 and completed my AR journey in 2012, taught my first ever workshop (got ill during it too! What resistance!) in October of the same year and I have not looked back since.
 
It was not a bed of roses, the money was tight and I was still home schooling Orla full time during the week but somehow I managed. In many ways, I still think that my new career has yet to really lift off, but I am working on it! I used to work as a qualified Architect in the city.
 
Neither did I suddenly happen to write my experiences and draw my geometric codes. I have just turned 48, it has taken all my life and all my experiences and many great workshops to get to this place now. My progress has always been slow and steady, doh, even if the changes have been pretty fast! Perhaps it just shows the contrast between my Ego/Personality and my Soul. Soul can be like quicksilver, whilst the Ego tails behind, sometimes dragging its feet a little…
 
The reason I am writing this is to illustrate that what the spiritual community term as an “awakening” can be a pretty long, drawn out affair, with very seemingly dull happenings and instances, but perhaps I am just really slow with the movement in my life and it’s not just my Ego kicking and screaming!
 
For others, they have a strong “awakening”, an urge or sudden knowing that they have a unique purpose which they would love to fulfil. For the very intuitive or psychic ones, they may even have visions or see beings and energies. Sadly I am not one of those, my gift does not include the seeing of energies, angels or ET’s. But it does happen to other people! Take Tom Kenyon who had visions of angels (and told them to go away which they did) and “saw” geometries unfolding before his eyes whilst he was out in nature.
 
For others, they have the dark night of the soul, where if I understand correctly, they experience a loss of purpose, a complete paradigm shift which can plunge them into a bleak and dark space, possibly depression.
 
The reason I am sharing this is because everyone’s way of dealing with changes is different, even life changing metamorphoses! And it is ok for all of us to have our own unique process.
I always say to my classes that I believe that there are as many therapies as there are people in the world because we are all different, so all our reactions and responses to sudden enlightenment or paradigm shifts will be different too. Sure there will be some similarities, but the way we manifest and navigate through them will be unique to us.
 
The important thing to know is that if you are in a dark state, it will not last forever, that you are not alone and there is help too! Just ask for it!
I know that whilst in that state and it does still happen sometimes, it is very difficult to see the way out and it is very lonely indeed. Now I know that lots of people go through it too.
 
Ultimately, you have a choice about how this process goes and how long it will take to complete so that you can begin your next glorious cycle of life.
 
It really showed me in hind sight, because even after getting out of depression, I didn’t realise that I was in it, I was so stuck in that state and it became a wallow in victimhood and self-hate too.
 
Some suggestions for people who are experiencing symptoms similar to what I have described above:

1. See your doctor, sometimes it is deficiency in minerals which produces swings in moods or low heavy feelings.
2. You may want to see a nutritionist.
3. You may even need a psychologist or a counsellor, so see your doctor!
4. Try an alternative therapy, don’t just give up after the first time. If it doesn’t work or resonate, try a different one. Go for recommended therapists.
5. Look at your diet, try to incorporate live foods like vegetables, salads, fruits and whole foods too.
6. Reduce the sugar, it is perhaps the most addictive substance on the planet! You are feeding fungus in your body by eating lots of sugary things and they have been known to influence the mind! Can you imagine your thoughts controlled or influenced by a fungus??? Eat less sugary foods, including fizzy drinks.
7. Get out in nature, go for a walk, go to green spaces, have a complete change of scene, I find this so helpful and now have a great reason to go to the woods close by every day because I have a sweet little dog who loves running in the meadow and needs exercise!
8. Get some exercise, even if it is gentle. Use your discernment about how much you can handle when you first start with something so you don’t give up after a few tries.
9. Help someone else, it shifts your focus out of your own sh*t! Yes it does! If you read or watch a lot of people’s posts and videos (amazing people who do lots of good) about how they got out of depression or a state which was toxic for them, they began by helping others. It gives such a sense of personal fulfilment and satisfaction that it can really turn things around. Take “A Street Cat named Bob” by James Bowen who was a rough sleeping drug addict adopted by a ginger tom who turned his life around because he had to get money to pay for both of them. And get better too and kicked his heroin addiction! He did have help but he accepted it and did the work to kick the habit. Now James and Bob are touring the world (they have been to Japan!) and are involved in lots of charities for homeless people too. And they live in their own home, thanks to a lovely publisher who found them both on the streets, heard their story and offered them a publishing contract.
10. Learn to love yourself. Cultivate your relationship with yourself. Listen to your own voice and follow through. Perhaps after you have come through your metamorphoses, the dark night of the soul, or depression, however you may want to term it, this is a practice which is a must as it helps you to notice your unique trigger into that old state and you know you need to stop and help yourself or get help from another.
    

 
I hope this helps and I also hope it removes the idea that an awakening (which is really greater awareness to life, possibilities and self) has to be monumental or cathartic.
It can take many forms and guises and need not necessarily be difficult and dark. It can be a rapture! Why not! I am sure that for many youngsters, it could be that if not unnecessary as they are so open and aware anyway.
 
Ultimately we need to give ourselves the time and space for all our processes however long or short they are.
We are all evolving works of art! Enjoy it!