I was informed by my mentor that I needed to connect with the First and Second dimensions as this would help me to anchor myself more substantially here and to also connect with the demons and beings in the woods where I go walking.
I was a little worried as I have met people who have had “demon attacks” and have been informed that I have been subject to a demon attack too, which was very uncomfortable. So the idea about having anything to do with demons except for clearing and transmuting them, and sending them back to their optimum place whilst giving healing treatments to my clients, was a little perplexing.
What if they get stuck on me and play games with my energy like they have done with my clients? What if they block my connection with my soul and interfere with my work? These were the first thoughts which came to my mind when I was invited to investigate these realms and beings further.
I decided to meditate and connect in my garden first before connecting with these beings in the woods. I also knew that I had to deal with any fear I had about doing this as it would just create exactly what I would want to avoid.
I set the intention to connect with the First and Second dimensions and then connected with Earth and all consciousness within Her, including all the elements. Before all of this I opened up my heart and dived into love: I needed to trust and do this with faith allowing love to be my compass.
I did not have a very visual experience but I felt different movements, densities and consciousness. I could sense water movement and the solidity of crystals and the difference this feels to the organic soil. I could sense the life teeming within the soil itself. It was not scary or frightening in any way. What I also sensed were what I called destructive or transformative forces: the breaking down of substances to their original chemicals and elements: this is the interpretation my mind gives.
The next day I went for my morning walk with King. As we entered the woods, I acknowledged the tree guardians and asked for help from my guides and angels then gave intent to communicate with and connect with the demons in the ground.
I did not sense any horrible thoughts or energies, just curiosity from these beings which in my mind’s eye appeared as dark forms with bright eyes (hahaha, this is from my own database of what I think demons would be!) and small. I opened my heart and thanked them for letting me connect with them and asked them to show me anything they would like. I also radiated love to them and acceptance for all they are and this was actually really easy! I let go of all my judgements and previous experiences of demons.
They said they could be mischievous, but they tend to leave humans alone. They followed me as we walked through the woods and I would say, they are not unlike the sprites, fairies and elementals of forests. They are just different from these other beings. They were surprisingly light, not heavy like matter but not quite as light filled as the other elementals above. They seemed to enhance how I felt so the love and acceptance grew stronger. I realised later on when I connected more with them that this was the first clue that they gave me about their true nature which I write about below.
It has taken me two weeks since my first connection with them to complete this piece of writing because I was concerned that perhaps I was wrong about my impressions and I write this short piece in the hope of un-demonizing demons.
Their job is to help in the deconstruction or dissolution of physical (matter) or energetic substances, so like bacteria and fungi, they help with the breakdown of matter like dead animals into their constituent chemicals and atoms. They help with the deconstructive aspect of everything including matter and energy so that rebirth and a new start can occur. In the dissolution of matter, they are not involved in the destruction, it has already occurred.
They enhance and expose existing emotions be they negative or positive. Intensifying them, especially what is deemed as negative is what gives them their bad name. But they provide a great service to us by the exposure of these hidden strong feelings.
How are thoughts, feelings and emotions transmuted and why would we want them to be? I believe they are transmuted by their exposure into our conscious minds, out of the depths of our subconscious and also through unconditional love and acceptance. If we are unaware of the intense anger we have towards someone, we may continue our dysfunctional actions towards them or destructive nature towards ourselves. When we are aware that these emotions exist, we can choose to investigate the root of them, get some help or healing and resolve them.
This is an objective gift that Demons have. They do not choose to enhance negative or destructive thoughts and feelings, they also enhance positive emotions as I experienced above. I do not believe it is through choice, it is just their nature to do so.
Demons do not and are not the originators and generators of emotions and feelings but we are. Demons enhance all emotions, thoughts and feelings and also absorb them.
I was shown a demon when suffused with light and love transforming into a light being, which is an entity which emits light and is beyond personality and ego. All beings are constantly evolving and although I know this, I was surprised to perceive a demon changing into what we would consider the opposite of its nature.
They showed me that they are as essential as beings of light, in a different way and they work with Gaia and elementals and light beings too. It is just us humans who interpret them as evil and separate them from the light.
Demons in their complete unadulterated state, do have light and can hold space, just like angels and light beings do, for anything to be created. But if you think about it, for creation or anything to appear in matter, it requires the use of energy and also available matter which may have to change its state for this. Demons help in the shift of energy and matter from one substance and state into another for creation to occur. Without demons this world and dimension would not be possible.
Demons are not evil. However the existence, over the last human cycle of separation consciousness giving rise to concentrated hate, rage, fear, despair, rape, control, manipulation and murderous thoughts have created monsters because the Demons cannot repel all these feelings. Where do you think all these emotions go when we constantly replay them over and over again and when some healers tell you to give it all to Gaia? Do you think the Earth just magically transforms them? They have to go somewhere and they are absorbed by the Demons who are then transformed into our own man made monsters. These are the Malevolents (which is what I call them, Demons twisted by our own emotions and also manipulated by dark magicians, it seems as if they force the Demons to constantly create tiny black holes which creates chaos in the energetic fields and continuums) which you may find attacking people. These attacks are I believe to do with karmic resolution over our own lifetimes of possibly using and twisting Demons to control others.
Our nasty thoughts are also what create dark and horrible energies, devoid of light. These too are Dark Energies, our stuff created by us, gathering more and more pain and pushing the light out. They are like unbalanced black holes, ripping and tearing everything around it and running amok.
During civilisations of high consciousness and love like the Lemurian and early Atlantean ones, there were no dark Demons or Malevolents, there were no dark beings and dark forces because separation consciousness had not taken hold. There were just the natural Demons following their purpose.
It is only through awareness of our shadow side (past pain and trauma), the integration of all our parts lost through our pain with love and acceptance can we truly appreciate what we are: powerful creators, creating in this dimension and also many others. What we focus on is what we create, let us take responsibility for it.
It is time for balance to once again be created here. So many healers and energy workers find themselves working to clear and transmute the twisted Demons but everyone needs to take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, awaken to their Divine Nature/Soul and become whole again.
Demons would then not be the Demons we have come to experience because of our own pain: dark, nasty, horrible but the natural Demons who are light, transformative, helpful and essential, part and parcel of all the beautiful forces and cycles of nature.
How do I find my way home?
THE LOST ONE
I am thirsty, parched
I travel through an empty desert
With the continuous never ending horizon
Caving in on me from all directions.
There is an infinite sky above
So beyond the reach of my small fingers
Only the birds have power over this realm
I wish I could have wings and fly away.
Once I tried for to dig for water
Days went by,
My movement, circuitous
But still the endless horizon.
Am I lost?
But I have food and shelter
The shirt on my back
And some water, I am alive after all.
Time goes on
The same endless horizon
Do I imagine
The Vultures above me?
Why am I here?
I cannot remember
Wasn’t this where I wanted to be
Isn’t this what life is after all?
But I have nothing
There is no one to share this with
I am alone, so alone
Just the endless horizon.
What is this
Voice within me
Urging me to stop and be still.
How will I get to where I want
If I just stop here?
What would I be
If I came to a standstill?
You would not lose anything,
You might find you!
Are you sure this is just desert
Or is this just your
Restricted, narrow perception
Of your life?
Listen to the beat of your heart.
Listen without your might
Listen without your short sighted sight
Listen through you whole body
Listen with delight!
Then open your eyes
And sing me a symphony
Of your soul and light
For I see you even if you don’t see me.
This voice, it says
I see you, an incredible story
Of love and might
Song, dance and light!
What a pity
You can’t even see yourself
But you are still all here
Just stop and listen with your heart.
Reconnecting to Self
Reconnecting with Nature, reconnecting with self.
I have found that I need to be in nature as much as possible. Having King our little dog ensures that we go to the woods for his exercise each day and that works really well for me as the woods have a lovely quality of air and I love the freshness of the atmosphere especially after the rain. We also meet other lovely animal companions and their guardians and squirrels, all sort of birds and of course the beautiful trees including yews, oaks, and chestnuts.
As I was meditating yesterday, I perceived that one of the reasons many people these days are unhappy is because they are disconnected from themselves: disconnected from their souls and what they love.
If people managed to reconnect daily with themselves and listened to their hearts they would experience greater self-fulfilment and happiness.
If people then went on to cultivating their connection with the planet and nature and with each other, we would have a much richer experience of life which would also bring greater happiness. It would help us to really understand that we are indeed never truly alone.
There are so many stories of spiritual masters meditating in nature, with Buddha under the Bodhi tree and Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane to name a couple. There are also depictions of Kuan Yin the goddess of compassion standing or sitting on a lotus flower and travelling on a turtle. Beautiful areas of nature also form places of pilgrimage, devotion and sacred rituals. Visions of Mother Mary have occurred in many natural places, in caves and near springs. Going on a pilgrimage to a holy or sacred place was common as a means of connecting with one’s Source or Creator however I believe it really is about connecting with self, the Divine Self within, I call it Soul.
The indigenous peoples still maintain their connection with Earth, where they are able to, and they have a profound connection, reverence and love for the land, sky and water ways. They do not take more than they need ensuring that there is always enough for their descendants.
Perhaps nature is where we most easily meet ourselves through a simple connection with Earth. Maybe just being in a natural setting, as landscaped gardens can also be places of meditation and devotion, can help to elevate our consciousness to that of unity and oneness and ultimately to the love that holds this universe together.
When I think of trees and plants, I tend to see them as extensions of Earth, extensions of the land taking a form other than rocks and mountains. I started to perceive humans as walking versions or extensions of Earth after that! I think my soul was trying to tell me that we are connected to Earth, we are Earth just that we are walking, talking mobile parts of this planet! This also applies to animals and all lifeforms, be they bacteria or viruses. We are all Earth. Therefor to extend this further, we are all this solar system, galaxy and universe.
We cannot escape our connection to one another and our connection to Earth, however I think many of us have ignored this and one of the reasons we have people with so little respect for our finite resources is because of this: Earth is not in many people’s consciousness as a part of themselves, it is other, outside of them.
This is the same as thinking we are completely alone and apart from others whereas the truth is we are all One. When one part hurts, all other parts hurt.
There was a great experiment done by some scientists where they took a person’s cheek cells and took them a distance away from their source, about a few miles away if I remember correctly. They subjected the cheek cells to some electric shocks and were surprised to discover that the human donor at some level showed signs of reacting to these shocks are the same time!
If you think of your body as a planet and play around with the visuals of your hair as trees and plants and the bumps and rounded protrusions are mountains, hills or molehills (hahaha!) then you may begin to perceive yourself as a complex entity not unlike a planet. Out body is made of many parts, with blood vessels and lymph like rivers and the muscles like soil and bones like mountains and hills and gorges. If I cut my finger, all of me goes ouch! It is not just my finger which hurts but all of me! Including my mind! How many of you have had a toothache and it has affected your thoughts and you have felt tired, on edge and grouchy from it?
We cannot take our hearts out and expect the rest to function properly. Even doctors nowadays agree that the appendix does have a function and perhaps is best left within the body.
It is the same with Earth.
We are all connected and we are connected with this planet.
Disconnection begets pain as we do not appreciate all the wealth and resources available to us, there is just lack because somehow in our psyches we know something is missing and we try to fill it up with all sort of things yet this takes us further and further away from what we yearn for.
Creating connections is so easy, have you tried just saying hello to the person you go past every morning on the way to work? This is also creating a connection even if you get a funny look for your efforts.
Creating a connection or re-connecting with yourself with Earth is also easy. Just take a walk in the park and listen, sense and look around you. Do not try to rationalise anything that you see or hear, just be in the moment of being in the park, having a walk, smelling the flowers, playing with someone’s dog and admiring the colours around you.
Nature is the number one inspiration for artists and creators! How do you think people understood geometry? By looking at flowers and trees! How did creators get the idea for rubber suckers, by looking at the octopus! Velcro is another great example of inspiration from nature. And just look at Vincent can Gogh’s amazing paintings of sunflowers.
Nature is full of surprises, is full of medicine with herbs and berries and is medicine in itself with the higher levels of oxygen produced by the plants and trees. This environment is very different from stagnant carbon dioxide in the city due to pollution and our exhalation.
So spend as much time in nature as you possibly can.
I will be running some simple workshops in parks and special sites to help people to reconnect with themselves and to reconnect with Earth and to just be themselves.
Do join me if you would like to explore yourself in this way and to explore your connection with Earth.
Be Aware of What You Create!
WARNING! THIS IS A VERY LONG BLOG POST!
I separated from my ex-husband from 2010 and my daughter and I moved out of the family home into a flat later in the year.
We then moved into our present home on the edge of the Borough of Greenwich in April 2011.
During this time, from 2010 to 2011, I brought my daughter to see her dad during the day time from around 9.30am to 6pm or dinner every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Prior to this, my daughter did not want to spend time on her own with her father, so I suggested that I accompany them until such time when she was happy to be with him on her own during the day. Orla began spending nights with her father from November 2011 and holidays on her own with him from around 2012.
During this time, I asked for half the amount calculated by the Child Maintenance Service from my ex but he refused and gave me a quarter of it, occasionally paying for clothes, material and singing lessons.
In 2015, at age 10, Orla began to ask to spend a little less time with her father, she wanted to have some weekends with me as we had started more formal home educated lessons for her during week days. I was working facilitating Angelic Reiki and crystal workshops and giving therapy sessions over the weekends whilst she was with her father.
Throughout this time, because of guilt for deciding to break up our family and feelings of worthlessness and fear of causing conflict, I did not ask persistently for more money to help to care for my daughter. Whenever my ex wanted to take Orla on holiday, I would agree to it. I had also said that we could get divorced without any financial remedy between us as we each owned a property in London.
But this changed in 2015 as Orla began to show symptoms of stress by frequenting the toilet almost every hour when we were out. It became a challenge to travel on public transport as we needed to find a toilet at every train and tube station and she would also get very upset before she was collected by her father on Friday mornings. The frequent visits to the toilet had happened previously but this had been helped by a few courses in homeopathy.
However, this time it took much longer and Orla was still persisting in asking to spend some weekends with me instead of every weekend with her father. This was also to have a friend or two over for sleepovers and to meet friends who lived close by, whose parents I was friends with as well.
After many exasperated and angry emails from both sides and spiralling debt for me, I decided in November 2015 to ask the Child Maintenance Service to help with Child Maintenance payments from my ex-husband. All his payments stopped in December 2015 and I entered a Debt Management plan in early 2016.
We continued with our existing child contact arrangement but in February, I informed Orla’s father that she would like to spend my birthday weekend with me. He refused and came to collect her that Friday morning. I initially refused to go to the door but after 10 minutes, I finally went down and spoke to him. This was very frightening for me, although my ex-husband had never physically hurt me, he had been verbally and emotionally abusive during our separation and I hated confrontation with him, especially now that the hornet’s nest had been stirred to a frenzy with the Child Maintenance Service speaking to him about his legal duty to pay the appropriate amount of Child Maintenance. The CMS did not agree with his calculations and his assertions: the money they calculated was due to me by law and already been adjusted/reduced in acknowledgement of the time she spent with him.
Orla had also decided that she did not want to go away to France on holiday with her father three times a year as she had previously and she wanted to spend time in London when my family were here on holiday. This further infuriated my ex-husband and the emails and accusations multiplied.
In December 2015, he wrote to me to enter into mediation about the Child Maintenance, but I refused as the Child Maintenance Service was on the case and they had advised me about what my legal rights were with regards to Child Maintenance. Mediation required fees and I had no money to pay for the meetings.
In March 2016, I decided to enter into the Mediation process to discuss and resolve the child contact issue because Orla still persisted in requesting more time with me and her father and I had not achieved any agreement at all. I also wanted an independent third party to keep us in line, to keep us calm and to act reasonably to each other.
We finally agreed to work with the Mediation firm I had suggested although my ex-husband insisted on a change in the actual mediator as he felt the original person was too old and traditional to be an unbiased party.
We had our first one and a half hour meeting in June 2016 and during that meeting, I said that I was happy to resolve all the child maintenance and financial issues through this route.
At our second meeting, I suggested that Orla met the mediator herself to clarify what she really wanted as my ex was claiming that I was influencing her decisions. This was agreed and Orla spoke to our mediator for one and a half hours on her own.
What she said was reported back to my ex-husband and me at our third meeting. By this time, my ex-husband had offered to pay for my share of the second and third meetings to speed up the process as I could only afford to pay for one meeting a month. All mediation meetings happened in June 2016.
Orla’s father was very angry with the mediator after the third meeting as he had reported that Orla did indeed want to spend more time with me and that she did not want to go on holiday with him that summer to France. During this meeting, I was also asked to leave the room for 15 minutes as our mediator wanted to speak privately to him about his meeting with Orla, so I have no idea what was said between them during that time.
After this meeting, my ex-husband declared that the mediator was biased and that he was unhappy with his feedback.
Unfortunately, this led to a complete break-down of communication between us as I refused to speak to him without the presence of a professional third party, as all our conversations would erupt into anger and accusations with no regard for my daughter’s wishes. He refused to continue with the mediation process as our mediator informed us that as my ex had accused him of being biased, we would require a second mediator and therefore more payment, to maintain trust in this process and the original mediator.
We were at a stalemate.
I sought legal advice through the University of Greenwich law school, who offer an hour’s free consultation for family matters with a qualified solicitor in the company of two law students, so I decided to change my daughter’s extent of contact with her father according to her wishes and wrote to her father about these changes.
In July 2016, I received a letter from the Family Court informing me that my ex-husband had applied for a hearing with regards to Child Contact. Within his application were accusations that I physically (not enough food), emotionally and mentally abused my daughter and that I was turning her against him. This was terrifying as I did not have any money for any legal assistance and certainly did not qualify for Legal Aid. What was more terrifying were all the accusations and the implications of them if the Court chose to believe them.
Within a week, I also received another letter from the Family Court advising me of my ex-husband’s application for a divorce on the grounds that we had been separated for five years. I received this letter a day after my father passed away.
By July, my ex-husband had begun paying the amount of Child Maintenance as advised by the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) as they had threatened to take the money directly from his bank account plus an extra 20 percent on top of that as a fee for this service. I would lose 8 percent of the Child Maintenance as a result too.
On receipt of the notification about the Divorce application, I decided to apply for a Financial Remedy, and a date was set for the first hearing in January 2017.
The first hearing for the Child Contact case was in October 2016. A few days before the hearing, I received a letter from the Court and my ex-husband’s solicitor informing me that he would be represented by a barrister at the hearing.
All I can say is that my stress and anxiety increased even more! I was already very anxious from the time I contacted the CMS late 2015 as I knew that the response from my ex-husband would be terrifying enough! I had no money to employ a legal team let alone a barrister to represent me in court. I would have to do it myself and face my ex’s barrister too.
This is the first time I am putting this period of my life on paper and in such detail. I had spoken to a few friends during that time and had mixed reactions. Some projected their own fear, insecurities and anger on to me.
I did not speak to many people as I did not want to experience the rush of fear and anxiety every time I spoke about it, and I think most felt that I was crazy for not somehow resolving it with my ex-husband.
In many ways, I felt very guilty for not coming to an amicable arrangement with him, I felt like a bitch for asking the CMS for help with the maintenance payments and I also felt like a greedy cow for going for the Financial Remedy.
However, regardless of how I felt about my worth, I was due Child Maintenance payments greater than what I was receiving and it was obvious from the Judge at the first Financial remedy meeting, that I was also due a Financial Remedy from the divorce, the extent of which was to be ascertained.
My daughter was also old and articulate enough to request a change in the contact which she had with her dad that we had imposed on her. She was not looking to stop seeing her dad at all: she just wanted the same amount of holiday time with me and alternate weekends too, especially since she had begun secondary school in October 2016.
Orla was interviewed by Cafcass, the children’s charity working for the Family Court, even though her father through his barrister had insisted that she was too young for her preferences to be considered. Cafcass and the Family Court listened to her requests and she now spends half of all her holidays with me and also alternate weekends. Cafcass did not find that I had deliberately influenced her against her father. There were no findings of abuse in any way from me towards my daughter.
I represented myself through both hearings of the Child Contact case, in front of a panel of three magistrates, my ex and his barrister. However, I had received substantial support and advice from my sister and her husband who are both barristers practicing in Malaysia. I also have my therapist to thank for all the work we did together, sometimes having sessions the day before the hearings. I also had the company of a McKenzie Friend during the hearings, a friend whom I was allowed to invite into the hearing but could not address the court.
I received a Financial settlement after two hearings with the District Judge, once again representing myself, with my brother in law as my McKenzie friend during the first hearing and on my own during the second hearing, where we agreed on a sum and completed the case. My ex-husband was again represented by his barrister during these hearings.
Through greater awareness of my Patterns/Dysfunction working from my subconscious and conscious thoughts and through attending Angelic Reiki workshops, Natural Success and SuperGenius Life workshops with William Whitecloud and Ryan Pinnick, I realised that I created all this.
I felt worthless and I believed that I did not deserve any help and I was afraid that if I did ask for anything, I would not get it. In fact, not only did I believe subconsciously that the answer would be no, but I would also get abused or punished just for having the audacity to ask for it and hey presto!
I was also imperfect, a terrible mother, no matter how hard I tried I would never succeed in raising my daughter well. I had to constantly work so hard just to get the pittance that I received or the validation that I craved and there was no guarantee of that. It was all pain and suffering with little to no fun at all.
Even though I feel so much stronger and more empowered for having been through this experience and it challenged me to be clear and succinct in court and face the fear of possibly making a fool of myself in front of people I did not know, this whole process could have been resolved much earlier on. Yes, I stood up for my daughter and her right to choose and I received a Financial Remedy and am in receipt of the appropriate Child Maintenance but her father and I could have communicated better, set our boundaries and allowed change to be accommodated as our daughter grew up. But my Patterns and Dysfunctions were playing out automatically: all my responses were on default settings.
Now I know.
I know how important it is to be aware of all our thoughts and feelings because they run the show and create the experiences we have.
I know that this also means I have to know myself well, not just for the negatives but for the dreams too, so that I can create them from a place of Soul expression and love.
I also realise that that conflict is ok and to stop trying to avoid it by speaking up and speaking truthfully.
It also showed me that anger is ok, and it is anger which made me apply for the Financial Remedy which has helped to pay for most of my debt and for workshops which have really helped me in my awareness and business. Anger as an emotion (like every emotion) is fine, it’s what we do with it which counts: do we murder someone or do we ask for what we are due? It is our choice.
For so many years, I did not know myself at all, I was lost, confused, frustrated, with the inability to really express myself from my heart: being vulnerable was terrifying! I had little if no self-esteem, I hated myself.
I drank to escape, got angry and lost my temper very easily, I felt I had to hide parts of myself which were unacceptable.
Now, armed with much greater awareness and a vision of what I love, I would love to help people, especially women who have lost their sense of self, their connections to their Souls and have lost their unique, beautiful self-expression.
I have bared my soul and my foibles over the last few years in the writing above so that you can know that you are not alone, that there is light at the end of your tunnel, that the pain and suffering will not last long, especially if you gain an awareness of where it is coming from: you can indeed stop it at any time due to your choice.
I run loving, peaceful and joy filled gong baths and meditation workshops in Blackheath, I also help people with mentoring and programmes to enjoy discovering yourself.
Do join me for a taste of your own Soul and rediscovery of your unique magic. Have fun and embrace yourself completely, because you are indeed already perfect and whole, you just need to change your perspective of yourself.
Listen to the voice, your voice!
Can you hear me?
I speak to you
When the breeze blows
Through leaves and branches
The bubbling streams
Are my voice
Urging you to stop
Stay a while and listen
Listen to the sound of your heart beat
This is my voice too
Listen to your Inner Child
Asking you to play
What are you afraid of?
That my songs as those of a demon’s?
You would know from my tone
Which is love through and through
I am within you
Mine is not a voice
Just wondrous love
Spilling over infinitely
So open your heart
Open your ears
Open your mind
For I am One, One with you!
My words can never
Lead you astray
But it is your perception
Which may mask my intentions
My purpose is yours too
To share our love
In all forms and creations
Across all Universes, space and time
So when will you stop
And connect with me
Connecting with you
Let us sit within our own silence now
And just be.
Changes of perception.
I didn’t have an amazing “awakening” suddenly visited by ETs or angels, nor did I see a flash of light and hear a loud voice in my mind telling me I was here to help people in the world, although I remember having a feeling when I was very young that I would do so.
It was all quite sedate and mundane really and it came about because my relationships were not going well, I didn’t like who I was and was angry at myself for this. I could not communicate at all and found that I was completely disconnected from my emotions. So what would happen was a great volcanic eruption of anger when something didn’t turn out right or when I was stressed out.
So I changed my diet because my back was aching all the time and my bowels weren’t working well and I started to read some interesting books including heart centred caring for children. All this happened whilst I had post-natal depression, but I knew I had problems with expressing myself way before this.
I was desperately unhappy that I was not enjoying motherhood. I found everything to do with caring for my daughter really hard. I didn’t know how to tap into my intuition to help me with her care. It made me really sad because I wanted this time to be full of fun and joy. I just got lower and lower and hated myself even more.
What helped me out of this state and into my present work as a therapist was the decision I made to change. I wanted to change because I wanted to be a better parent to my child. I lacked energy, I was angry, then morose, and nothing anyone said or did could get me out of that state of mind. It was very bleak indeed. I don’t know if one could call it the “dark night of the soul” because there were many days, months and years of it before I decided to change. I suppose one could call it depression.
The impetus for change was because of another: my daughter.
It got me out of my hole of despair and stopped me wallowing in guilt and hate for myself. My focus changed from just existing to having a reason to live and to live well.
Within a month of going raw vegan, I found my mind less foggy and I had so much more energy as well. All the low heavy feelings I had had before this disappeared. I was on my way out of this state of loathing, self-hate, guilt and anger. (I am not raw vegan any more but am still vegetarian and have my raw smoothie once a day.)
Now looking back and after reading other people’s accounts of their depression and how they emerged from it, I realise that there are some ways people can help themselves to cope with it or to emerge from it completely. I still have dark days, but I know how to help myself and also whom to get help from if I need to and I realise that these days do not last forever (unless I decided I want to stay in this state) and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if at that point I cannot perceive it at all and believe me, the perception of light or relief can be non-existent.
I know now that I am in charge of how I feel and my emotional and physical state. I also know that I am in charge of my reactions to people, what they say and what they do. And I choose my response too, even if it means taking a few days to think of how I really feel about it.
Changing the diet and emerging from depression occurred in 2007 when Orla was two years old, almost 11 years ago.
It was 2009 when I attended the first Angelic Reiki workshop and suddenly, I was hearing voices and hearing crystals and baskets made by the Native American peoples at the British Museum. The voices weren’t loud or intrusive, almost like whispers and sometimes there were no words at all, just sensations of energy all around my body especially around the right side of my head. I really did not expect this and it certainly was not advertised. AR is an alternative healing therapy and I believe it strongly connects people to their Soul/SuperConscious/SuperGenius state.
This is why I love facilitating AR workshops, there is so much potential for people to connect with themselves, because ultimately, it is just a remembering of ourselves, not a reliance on any outside force no matter how benevolent and helpful it may seem to be.
After this my life changed and separation from Orla’s father ensued and we moved away from the family home.
I only attended workshops again in 2011 and completed my AR journey in 2012, taught my first ever workshop (got ill during it too! What resistance!) in October of the same year and I have not looked back since.
It was not a bed of roses, the money was tight and I was still home schooling Orla full time during the week but somehow I managed. In many ways, I still think that my new career has yet to really lift off, but I am working on it! I used to work as a qualified Architect in the city.
Neither did I suddenly happen to write my experiences and draw my geometric codes. I have just turned 48, it has taken all my life and all my experiences and many great workshops to get to this place now. My progress has always been slow and steady, doh, even if the changes have been pretty fast! Perhaps it just shows the contrast between my Ego/Personality and my Soul. Soul can be like quicksilver, whilst the Ego tails behind, sometimes dragging its feet a little…
The reason I am writing this is to illustrate that what the spiritual community term as an “awakening” can be a pretty long, drawn out affair, with very seemingly dull happenings and instances, but perhaps I am just really slow with the movement in my life and it’s not just my Ego kicking and screaming!
For others, they have a strong “awakening”, an urge or sudden knowing that they have a unique purpose which they would love to fulfil. For the very intuitive or psychic ones, they may even have visions or see beings and energies. Sadly I am not one of those, my gift does not include the seeing of energies, angels or ET’s. But it does happen to other people! Take Tom Kenyon who had visions of angels (and told them to go away which they did) and “saw” geometries unfolding before his eyes whilst he was out in nature.
For others, they have the dark night of the soul, where if I understand correctly, they experience a loss of purpose, a complete paradigm shift which can plunge them into a bleak and dark space, possibly depression.
The reason I am sharing this is because everyone’s way of dealing with changes is different, even life changing metamorphoses! And it is ok for all of us to have our own unique process.
I always say to my classes that I believe that there are as many therapies as there are people in the world because we are all different, so all our reactions and responses to sudden enlightenment or paradigm shifts will be different too. Sure there will be some similarities, but the way we manifest and navigate through them will be unique to us.
The important thing to know is that if you are in a dark state, it will not last forever, that you are not alone and there is help too! Just ask for it!
I know that whilst in that state and it does still happen sometimes, it is very difficult to see the way out and it is very lonely indeed. Now I know that lots of people go through it too.
Ultimately, you have a choice about how this process goes and how long it will take to complete so that you can begin your next glorious cycle of life.
It really showed me in hind sight, because even after getting out of depression, I didn’t realise that I was in it, I was so stuck in that state and it became a wallow in victimhood and self-hate too.
Some suggestions for people who are experiencing symptoms similar to what I have described above:
I hope this helps and I also hope it removes the idea that an awakening (which is really greater awareness to life, possibilities and self) has to be monumental or cathartic.
It can take many forms and guises and need not necessarily be difficult and dark. It can be a rapture! Why not! I am sure that for many youngsters, it could be that if not unnecessary as they are so open and aware anyway.
Ultimately we need to give ourselves the time and space for all our processes however long or short they are.
We are all evolving works of art! Enjoy it!
The image above is by Rasoulli
I am your Shadow, do not disdain me
I only exist because you created me
So that you could survive
When you were hurt and fearful for our life.
I am your Shadow
Apart and other, alien
A monster, a wraith, a murderer
Jealous, hungry and wrathful
You don’t want to see me
You can’t imagine that I am you
You don’t want to hear me
When I whisper our pain to you
My heart bleeds
My body carries the welts and bruises
From our experiences
I am disembodied, alone, so alone
I search for you
Like a lover
Yearning for our reunion
The re-membering of all our parts together
I reach for you
To share our pain, our sorrow, our anger
But you flee
Always running away from me
The longer we are apart
The heavier am I
The more you ignore me
The larger I become
For as I float apart in space
Our pain gathers apace
The memories clamour for speech
The wounds cry out for light
For to be acknowledged and
To be seen is to reveal
The depths of the pain
Do you think you can truly hide from me?
I am the supreme detective
I always find you through all space and time
Even when you shape-shift
You are the form to my shapelessness
You are the light to my darkness
You are the return journey home
You are me
Love is the balm for our wounds
Love is the succour of my loneliness
Love is the healer and joiner of all
Love calls to me and I come, I come to you
Through your eyes
For our Soul’s light to shine on me
Through your voice
For our Soul’s song to trill through me
My tears finally shed
My cries finding voice
My body, the embrace
The Love and Union I crave
I become lighter,
I become Lux and symphony
Weaving its way through
The suffering and agony
Through our Soul’s light
I merge with you again
Pain lost but not forgotten
Wounds cauterised, all bleeding ceases
We dance together
Our soul alight
Our story an aria
Our memories starlight
Our journey together, whole, begins again
The Soul's Call
I sense fine webs of flowing silk all around
Fluid rising and falling behind me
In tone and rhythm
I am dancing
But who sings this tune?
What are the whispers?
Why do you surround me?
The answer comes in sparks and bursts
Of colour, light, sound
And pulses in my body
Ebbing and flowing like my heart beat
I am you and you are me!
Ever dancing together
Despite of your ignorance!
Ever tied by webs which cannot, will not be cut.
I shine to you but your eyes do not see,
I sing to you but your ears fail to hear.
I stroke your face but still nothing!
I dance with you but we fall out of step.
I am you and you are me!
But it seems that you do not agree.
That doesn’t matter for,
Our ties do not depend on you.
They are woven by me,
You are my Beloved
I, your shadow with
Constant vigilance, dance and song,
I reach for you
Across all space and time
To remember us, me, you
To be together once, united again.
I yearn for you, for our sweet embrace,
I ache for times past where every
Motion, song and light,
Was a unified, magnificent symphony,
Our union birthed the stars,
Our combined voice:
The waves and pulses of solar songs,
Bursting through all dimensions.
But, you hardly know me,
But not for much longer,
You begin to see, sense, and hear.
My faint, sharp melody.
My ferocious dances.
My electric touch.
You are returning to me, for
I never give up.
A story about Cats.
Channelling from the Cat kingdom
When I was thinking about writing about Cats and their first appearance and evolution on Earth, I perceived these images: around 13 Light Beings in a circle surrounding the planet concentrating their focus on the area of the Cats’ birthing place on Earth. There were also further circle upon circles of numerous other Light Beings holding space for this event.
The time chosen for the introduction of this species to Earth was specific with regards to the placement of the planets of the Solar System to ensure the energies these incarnated Beings would embody would be enhanced and strengthened: yes even the Universe has its time frame with regards to our planets and also our relationship with other constellations!
It is the same for the introduction of other species as well and even for bacteria and viruses: particular periods of time when the planets were in alignment for a specific focus of a type of energy to be embodied and a type of service to be given or experience to be tasted.
There were many Light Ships as well because the Cat beings came not from this Solar System but from another Galaxy much older than ours for which I have no name or means of reference at this time. The Light Ships carried the Cat Souls, their Elders and also the three dimensional seed bodies prepared for them so they could exist in this plane with us.
Maybe this is where the myth of babies carried by storks to all corners of the planet to their parents come from! Storks substituting Light Ships carrying souls to be incarnated here!
(Light Beings is my term for Angels, Elohim, Ascended Masters, Galactic Masters and other high vibrational beings of love who are the archetypal programmes of creation, patterns and myriad consciousness which unlike our terrestrial governments have no hierarchy but are responsible for everything we see and understand at this level. Service is not the correct word, but every energy signature has a role to play and has a place in every state and dimension, just like there is a computer programme and body cells for every function which we need and they keep growing as our needs evolve and change, as consciousness changes and as the Cosmos grows.)
Like humans, the bodies for the Cat souls to live and evolve here had been prepared by other Star Races who are adept at this, and they worked closely with many Light Beings who oversaw and continue to oversee this process and the Elders of the Cat peoples to ensure that all was appropriate for the Cat souls who would live, evolve and ultimately also help here.
This would have happened for most of the new fauna and flora introduced to Earth. Not all the plants and animals we find here are from another part of space, many were born here on our beautiful planet and many still emerge anew as Gaia is prolific in her creativity. No matter how crazy and destructive people are, this planet keeps growing new plants and new creatures.
The Light Beings were present in such concentration and numbers, to create the energy and to enable the high vibration of the Cat Souls and their Elders who accompanied them to this new place of incarnation to exist in this dimension before they took on their new 3 dimensional forms or bodies created for them. Light Beings continued to hold space for the fledgling Earthling cats to ensure that their species could take root and thrive here.
Whilst this was happening, the Earth was surrounded by the energy of grace (Light Beings radiating love) which helped the rest of the beings on the planet celebrate and welcome their new neighbours.)
The Cat people are very ancient, certainly more ancient than the time humans have walked this place and more ancient than some of the Souls incarnate here as humans. Even before humanity, the Cat people had already evolved from previous three dimensional life forms to the higher dimensional planes where they would no longer require a physical vehicle. You could say that some of their people had already attained Angelic status and beyond even before the introduction of their family here on Earth. These became their Elders or Devas and I perceived them as elongated balls of light, their colour a mixture of white and silver, I would describe it as white starlight. They did not reflect light, like the Light Beings, they emitted their own light.
So why were these particular beings introduced to this planet?
When the call was sent to create this experiment for Souls who wanted to explore free will, the Cats (and many other beings) came forward to assist these souls and also for the opportunity for more of their kind to evolve and achieve more learning and also evolve alongside people.
So the souls of cats would inhabit this world to remind people about curiosity, focus, independence, sensuality, sensual pleasure (listen to those purrs!!) ferocity (watch out for those sharp teeth and claws!), protection, passion, stealth, the ability to see and perceive many dimensions at the same time and to help is to recognise that this is what we do: inhabit many dimensions simultaneously, love of self and a healthy selfishness, warrior spirit, power, strength, nobility, enjoyment and appreciation of home and for the domestic cats: hearth, adeptness at setting boundaries and love fed through steady companionship, strength, consistency and kindness.
The Cat energy of community is brought through mainly the lions, the lionesses forming the largest number of a pride and all related, sharing the care of the cubs and making most of the kills. Most other cats are generally solitary and territorial, except at birth and during the mating season.
Isn’t it interesting then that Lions are regarded as the King of the animal kingdom?
The lions demonstrate strength and nobility through their shared bloodline, their ability to work together to hunt, the power and strength of the males to exert their right to a place in the pride, the acceptance of the lion or lions by the lionesses in the pride and trust that the young will be respected. No longer is the belief held that new dominant males kill the young lions or lion cubs.
When the first cats were brought to this planet and merged with their new bodies, they were curious as ever, watchful, playful and alert, not unlike domestic kittens nowadays.
They prowled and looked around carefully before moving away from the vessels they travelled in but still within the safe enclosed space created by the Angels and Elohim. The strong connection to their souls and Elders persisted for a few generations to anchor their particular characteristics in this plane, then they started to evolve and change as they came into contact with more people and other animals, predator and prey and all our collective karma and purpose became even further intertwined.
There was at first just one family of Cat but they then branched out to become many of the big and wild cats we still have. These are a product of the natural evolution of this planet but I believe the unique characteristic of each type stemmed mainly from the soul merging between the Cats and different human peoples and also the geography and energy of the place they chose to dwell in. So the different branches of Cats were also a direct expression of the Earth’s energies, the particular Genius Loci of each place and the different families of humans in those areas.
In other words, there was a sharing of dreams or intentions and a recognition between the souls of the humans and cats that this species would embody certain characteristics to remind and teach people of them. The Cats responded by developing characteristics and traits necessary for survival and success in an area.
What happens when animals become extinct? (I also wonder if a certain animal’s extinction is due to the lack of these qualities in our societies now.)
We potentially lose that strong connection or the example of the particular qualities they bring to this world. If we were to lose the Cheetah, we would lose speed, resilience, independence, watchfulness, focus, devoted and protective parenting by the mothers.
This is speed not just for the sake of expressing and enjoying freedom and flight (like horses) but speed for the sake of the kill for survival and food, honed focus and alertness for other predators in the vicinity to ensure success and the exercise of precise timing when to start the sprint and stamina to keep up with the fast prey. They have 360 degree awareness of the environment and movement around them! And they are careful which prey out of many they concentrate their attention on. This intelligence required for choosing the best prey to exert their energy upon so that they may continue to live and thrive. They do not make decisions lightly but after consideration of all options and parameters.
We share this world with so many other beings: plants, fungi, bacteria, viruses, animals, elements and even many other vibrational beings which live in other dimensions like fairies for example.
There is always a reason for the existence of anything anywhere, or the lack of anything.
Many indigenous tribes believe that there is a plant on Earth for every illness known and unknown to us.
We live in symbiosis with all inhabitants in this world, perhaps some have more parasitic relationships than others and that is again a teaching for the parties but we are in this and have evolved together.
We are not and have never been separate from all others here on Earth.
I hope that we begin to remember this once again and once again love and respect all life here and across the Universe and Cosmos.
HAPPY NEW MOON!
Today is the New Moon, a fantastic time to begin anew!
You see, contrary to what we have been told since young, our path does not just have to go a certain way: the way of family’s past, or the way society dictates: it can go any way we want! Hopefully it is directed by your heart and soul and not by the fear and anxiety driven Ego.
There is no Right Way, there is only the Evolving Way, spurred on by our love for our dreams to come to fruition.
When we are directed by our Souls towards what we truly love, there is no need for concern about selfishness or cruelty as our Souls are the receptacles for our Highest Divine Creative Potential, the greatest magic of all our lives and experiences. The dreams from this source will only ever benefit the world and all across this galaxy and universe.
So kick off all the rubbish about dropping projects or switching parties being selfish because ultimately you have to be true to yourself, who else would be if not you?
The point is, you can always stop and start again at any time. You can make up your reality and change it at any time. Yes, the time it takes for your reality to match your dream might not be instant but at least you have started your journey towards the dream driven End Result. And you will need to constantly keep maintaining your focus on your dreams or they will fall by the side and be trampled by your lack of faith and discipline!
So what is stopping you now? Don’t you hear your dreams calling you? Isn’t there the pull of something around you, the whispers gradually getting more frantic as you keep ignoring them until all there remains is a deadness and weight of unfulfilled projects and desires….
Time for decisions!
This Thursday 21st December, is the Winter Solstice which in the Northern Hemisphere, the longest night and the shortest day. This is the day when the ancients of this part of the world celebrated first the dark, then the return of the light.
I will create a special Transmission on the day which will be free for all who sign up for it. This transmission will be about reclaiming our power through celebration, a celebration of all that we are: light and dark and also a celebration of life!
Ananda is a crystal-crazy therapist, an