Dancing and Singing our dreams!
Image above is by Rassouli
It is through our bodies, these portals of our Divine Light
That we can sing and dance our dreams into being
We are the Universe, we are Source
Expressing through these bodies!
Do not ever think or feel
Your creations are any less than that
Of the Flower or the Butterfly
Here for just a day, gone in another
The beauty of that blossom, our creation
Gives rise to more wonder
You may ask
Invisible to our eyes
Our creations felt and absorbed by Gaia
By the Sun, Moon and planets
By all here
And by All every where!
What is the Universal Heart?
To me it is the singing, pulsing, dancing, dreaming core of the Universe!
When I connected to the Universal Core today, I heard this from a very playful and at times cheeky source:
You are me and I am you,
We are we!
No more and no less
We are love unlimited
You will never find me outside of yourself
So do not bother even trying! Hahaha!
For I am in you and you are in me!
Does this make your brain ache?
Let it go
For it is through your heart
That you know me
And know truth!
That we have always been together
You have only forgotten!
Join me to shake everyone up
You humans are so
In your mind
You reside, mainly
Forgetting your heart
Infinite, imaginative, full of dreams and full of hope!
Wake up, wake up
I miss you and yearn for us again!
Here is my Heart
Always hopeful, full of faith and full of love
For you! For me, for all together!
A few ways to do this!
Loads of kids and adults dressed up (and made up!) for Halloween this year! And many too are beginning to recognise the moon cycles and the seasonal cycles which happen here.
It is wonderful that many are returning to celebrating and honouring the cyclical nature of life on Earth: moon cycles and seasons, equinoxes and solstices, and also other positive religious festivals as they help bring people together in the spirit of fun and joy.
We are reconnecting with Earth and nature once again, celebrating our oneness with all life here. Festivals inevitably bring people together, they are so important for the fabric of society, part of the cement which binds us together. The true binding material is love of course but these celebrations bring us together, especially now with the internet connecting and yet disconnecting us.
These are some pointers for creating ceremony (not a complete list), if you find yourself called to do so for your group or community:
Glennie Kindred has some wonderful hand illustrated books for sale on Amazon for these types of celebrations if you are interested, please do have a look. Everyone creates their ceremonies in their own way, there is just the common steps of preparation, setting intention, cleansing and invoking spirit guides and closing at the end.
Enjoy creating your ceremonies! You could do this on your own at home too!
I am available most weekends for Sound Healing, Angelic Reiki and SRT (Spiritual Response Technique) and also for Gong and Sound Baths. Do contact me if you would like to book a session with me.
Lots of love
Can our dreams come true?
During one of my meditations, this phrase came into my mind:
Blessed are those who seek the wisdom within and from a young age.
I then found myself seeing children asking their parents why it was that they (parents) were unable to perceive the sparkling lights, angels, elementals around them and but that they (children) and their young friends could.
Why were their parents, adults and older generation in general, so weird??? Why couldn’t they grasp the wider world around them and the consciousness of plants, trees, animals, stars and this planet too.
I had a further vision, where these childrens’ children had grown up actively and openly playing, communicating and working with elementals and fairies some of whom were befriended by their parents at their time of childhood. There was genuine friendly, easy, respectful and loving communication between them.
This was not just the use and development of the intuitive gift of clairvoyance on the part of the children, but a real, authentic and loving relationship between all of them.
It seems that at this time, the connection to self is intact and strong and children did not need to seek their souls within like we do now. They would not need to seek the wisdom within as it was fully realised, fully flowered and they knew who and what they were.
Perhaps I am just a dreamer but maybe I accessed a small piece of future through that vision, or perhaps just the possibility, of all of us living in peace, harmony, respect and love for each other. Together creating a heaven on Earth, together evolving in consciousness through love, mutual respect, acceptance and joy.
The evolution of consciousness leading to physical evolution, as more light can be carried and embodied by our bodies. Disease and war would not longer exist.
The image above is by Rassouli
Many of us are on the return journey to Source. This means that we are stepping up to recognising our Divinity and the Divine Light which we are. What does this really mean to you?
You may have heard many writers and speakers and spiritual teachers speak about how we are spirit living in a human body. But what do you think about it?
I have been writing about this too and this is a synopsis of what it is to me:
Now this is part of my “perfect” list, but it does not mean that I reach those beliefs and goals all the time or even for prolonged periods of time.
It is a struggle to work towards unconditional love and compassion for myself, and then to be able to extend it to others. It helps to meditate and connect with myself everyday and to have healing sessions and therapies consistently and more help when I need it.
What has becoming clearer this year is that I am really beginning to detach from this need to be unique, to be special, weird or different. And these thoughts have fed my separation from others.
So I have begun to truly comprehend that we are all Divine Light, and that the sparks of Source that we are do not need to be different even though we have unique roles in this universe. In fact at the core and Source level, we are not different from each other at all. We are One and this is what I am striving to live all the time.
The Divine Light which we all are is the same for each person and for all sentient beings and for the elements and planets and suns, dark matter et al.
They might vibrate differently and manifest and materialise in many forms but we are Light and I no longer need to divide oe define Soul from Spirit from Source. This is because the need to define (which I do not like anyway but writing sometimes requires trying to describe the indescribable) takes hold so that I can use the language as a means to express myself. But it really trips me up at times! Too much in the head and not enough in the heart.
And some things cannot be fully described, defined or categorised.
Spirit or Source cannot be, and that is what we are.
Each month, as the Earth rotates and encircles the Sun, we are challenged to perceive the truth of ourselves in different ways. I find that this is a discovery of all the layers which we are, whether you think they are bad or good.
With the moon and sun cycles come opportunities to connect deeply within ourselves, become aware of what the prompts for our responses and reactions are and the decision to transmute what we do not want and transform ourselves. This helps us on our sacred journey back to One-ness and whole-ness, our journey towards a more love filled life and a completion of our human cycle in this dimension, the completion of all the karma of many lifetimes.
Through the natural cycles we are given glimpses of the web we are, which stretches through all space, time and dimensions and the opportunity to reach out and retrieve parts of ourselves to become whole and well. To become constantly and consciously connected to Source, even in this humble body in this challenging dimension.
Facing and Integrating our Darkness to become more Light.
The beautiful image above is by Rassouli
August 2018, the opportunity to truly powerful, embracing the dark and light in us.
I know that facing up to our pain and the cause of our pain is frightening and can be excrutiating, but what is the other option but to remain in pain anyway leading to more suffering.
The first time I had a session with a healer or therapist, I was so frightened, so afraid to feel even more pain than I already did. But it was worth it, as it was only for a short moment and after the tears and thunderstorms came great calm and as I worked more on myself, great love, acceptance and forgiveness for myself and others. I really felt and feel now that I am more open to my light when I receive healing and work on myself and meditate.
I found peace by doing this and I certainly do not regret the hours and money spent on it as it was all worth it!
So in August we find the opportunity to go deep within again as we approach another Eclipse, a solar eclipse at the next New Moon on the 11th August, and as the sun begins its descent towards the end of the year. Time to harvest the fruit of your labour, time to prepare to dig deep again to create anew for the next cycle.
From darkness comes light
From the great nothingness
All is born.
Do not fear the dark
It is your mother
It is from the non-thing
Was and is born
Womb of darkness
We have turned from it
For so long
Search and search for us
Turn your eyes inward
See the cosmos
In your blood
Hear the song of the Universe
Pulsing in your breast
Ever singing, singing, singing!
Merge through the darkness
And plunge out in glorious Light!
Fly on the wings of love
Show us your face
The Billion faces of the Divine
Ever dancing, dancing, dancing!
I was informed by my mentor that I needed to connect with the First and Second dimensions as this would help me to anchor myself more substantially here and to also connect with the demons and beings in the woods where I go walking.
I was a little worried as I have met people who have had “demon attacks” and have been informed that I have been subject to a demon attack too, which was very uncomfortable. So the idea about having anything to do with demons except for clearing and transmuting them, and sending them back to their optimum place whilst giving healing treatments to my clients, was a little perplexing.
What if they get stuck on me and play games with my energy like they have done with my clients? What if they block my connection with my soul and interfere with my work? These were the first thoughts which came to my mind when I was invited to investigate these realms and beings further.
I decided to meditate and connect in my garden first before connecting with these beings in the woods. I also knew that I had to deal with any fear I had about doing this as it would just create exactly what I would want to avoid.
I set the intention to connect with the First and Second dimensions and then connected with Earth and all consciousness within Her, including all the elements. Before all of this I opened up my heart and dived into love: I needed to trust and do this with faith allowing love to be my compass.
I did not have a very visual experience but I felt different movements, densities and consciousness. I could sense water movement and the solidity of crystals and the difference this feels to the organic soil. I could sense the life teeming within the soil itself. It was not scary or frightening in any way. What I also sensed were what I called destructive or transformative forces: the breaking down of substances to their original chemicals and elements: this is the interpretation my mind gives.
The next day I went for my morning walk with King. As we entered the woods, I acknowledged the tree guardians and asked for help from my guides and angels then gave intent to communicate with and connect with the demons in the ground.
I did not sense any horrible thoughts or energies, just curiosity from these beings which in my mind’s eye appeared as dark forms with bright eyes (hahaha, this is from my own database of what I think demons would be!) and small. I opened my heart and thanked them for letting me connect with them and asked them to show me anything they would like. I also radiated love to them and acceptance for all they are and this was actually really easy! I let go of all my judgements and previous experiences of demons.
They said they could be mischievous, but they tend to leave humans alone. They followed me as we walked through the woods and I would say, they are not unlike the sprites, fairies and elementals of forests. They are just different from these other beings. They were surprisingly light, not heavy like matter but not quite as light filled as the other elementals above. They seemed to enhance how I felt so the love and acceptance grew stronger. I realised later on when I connected more with them that this was the first clue that they gave me about their true nature which I write about below.
It has taken me two weeks since my first connection with them to complete this piece of writing because I was concerned that perhaps I was wrong about my impressions and I write this short piece in the hope of un-demonizing demons.
Their job is to help in the deconstruction or dissolution of physical (matter) or energetic substances, so like bacteria and fungi, they help with the breakdown of matter like dead animals into their constituent chemicals and atoms. They help with the deconstructive aspect of everything including matter and energy so that rebirth and a new start can occur. In the dissolution of matter, they are not involved in the destruction, it has already occurred.
They enhance and expose existing emotions be they negative or positive. Intensifying them, especially what is deemed as negative is what gives them their bad name. But they provide a great service to us by the exposure of these hidden strong feelings.
How are thoughts, feelings and emotions transmuted and why would we want them to be? I believe they are transmuted by their exposure into our conscious minds, out of the depths of our subconscious and also through unconditional love and acceptance. If we are unaware of the intense anger we have towards someone, we may continue our dysfunctional actions towards them or destructive nature towards ourselves. When we are aware that these emotions exist, we can choose to investigate the root of them, get some help or healing and resolve them.
This is an objective gift that Demons have. They do not choose to enhance negative or destructive thoughts and feelings, they also enhance positive emotions as I experienced above. I do not believe it is through choice, it is just their nature to do so.
Demons do not and are not the originators and generators of emotions and feelings but we are. Demons enhance all emotions, thoughts and feelings and also absorb them.
I was shown a demon when suffused with light and love transforming into a light being, which is an entity which emits light and is beyond personality and ego. All beings are constantly evolving and although I know this, I was surprised to perceive a demon changing into what we would consider the opposite of its nature.
They showed me that they are as essential as beings of light, in a different way and they work with Gaia and elementals and light beings too. It is just us humans who interpret them as evil and separate them from the light.
Demons in their complete unadulterated state, do have light and can hold space, just like angels and light beings do, for anything to be created. But if you think about it, for creation or anything to appear in matter, it requires the use of energy and also available matter which may have to change its state for this. Demons help in the shift of energy and matter from one substance and state into another for creation to occur. Without demons this world and dimension would not be possible.
Demons are not evil. However the existence, over the last human cycle of separation consciousness giving rise to concentrated hate, rage, fear, despair, rape, control, manipulation and murderous thoughts have created monsters because the Demons cannot repel all these feelings. Where do you think all these emotions go when we constantly replay them over and over again and when some healers tell you to give it all to Gaia? Do you think the Earth just magically transforms them? They have to go somewhere and they are absorbed by the Demons who are then transformed into our own man made monsters. These are the Malevolents (which is what I call them, Demons twisted by our own emotions and also manipulated by dark magicians, it seems as if they force the Demons to constantly create tiny black holes which creates chaos in the energetic fields and continuums) which you may find attacking people. These attacks are I believe to do with karmic resolution over our own lifetimes of possibly using and twisting Demons to control others.
Our nasty thoughts are also what create dark and horrible energies, devoid of light. These too are Dark Energies, our stuff created by us, gathering more and more pain and pushing the light out. They are like unbalanced black holes, ripping and tearing everything around it and running amok.
During civilisations of high consciousness and love like the Lemurian and early Atlantean ones, there were no dark Demons or Malevolents, there were no dark beings and dark forces because separation consciousness had not taken hold. There were just the natural Demons following their purpose.
It is only through awareness of our shadow side (past pain and trauma), the integration of all our parts lost through our pain with love and acceptance can we truly appreciate what we are: powerful creators, creating in this dimension and also many others. What we focus on is what we create, let us take responsibility for it.
It is time for balance to once again be created here. So many healers and energy workers find themselves working to clear and transmute the twisted Demons but everyone needs to take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings, awaken to their Divine Nature/Soul and become whole again.
Demons would then not be the Demons we have come to experience because of our own pain: dark, nasty, horrible but the natural Demons who are light, transformative, helpful and essential, part and parcel of all the beautiful forces and cycles of nature.
How do I find my way home?
THE LOST ONE
I am thirsty, parched
I travel through an empty desert
With the continuous never ending horizon
Caving in on me from all directions.
There is an infinite sky above
So beyond the reach of my small fingers
Only the birds have power over this realm
I wish I could have wings and fly away.
Once I tried for to dig for water
Days went by,
My movement, circuitous
But still the endless horizon.
Am I lost?
But I have food and shelter
The shirt on my back
And some water, I am alive after all.
Time goes on
The same endless horizon
Do I imagine
The Vultures above me?
Why am I here?
I cannot remember
Wasn’t this where I wanted to be
Isn’t this what life is after all?
But I have nothing
There is no one to share this with
I am alone, so alone
Just the endless horizon.
What is this
Voice within me
Urging me to stop and be still.
How will I get to where I want
If I just stop here?
What would I be
If I came to a standstill?
You would not lose anything,
You might find you!
Are you sure this is just desert
Or is this just your
Restricted, narrow perception
Of your life?
Listen to the beat of your heart.
Listen without your might
Listen without your short sighted sight
Listen through you whole body
Listen with delight!
Then open your eyes
And sing me a symphony
Of your soul and light
For I see you even if you don’t see me.
This voice, it says
I see you, an incredible story
Of love and might
Song, dance and light!
What a pity
You can’t even see yourself
But you are still all here
Just stop and listen with your heart.
Reconnecting to Self
Reconnecting with Nature, reconnecting with self.
I have found that I need to be in nature as much as possible. Having King our little dog ensures that we go to the woods for his exercise each day and that works really well for me as the woods have a lovely quality of air and I love the freshness of the atmosphere especially after the rain. We also meet other lovely animal companions and their guardians and squirrels, all sort of birds and of course the beautiful trees including yews, oaks, and chestnuts.
As I was meditating yesterday, I perceived that one of the reasons many people these days are unhappy is because they are disconnected from themselves: disconnected from their souls and what they love.
If people managed to reconnect daily with themselves and listened to their hearts they would experience greater self-fulfilment and happiness.
If people then went on to cultivating their connection with the planet and nature and with each other, we would have a much richer experience of life which would also bring greater happiness. It would help us to really understand that we are indeed never truly alone.
There are so many stories of spiritual masters meditating in nature, with Buddha under the Bodhi tree and Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane to name a couple. There are also depictions of Kuan Yin the goddess of compassion standing or sitting on a lotus flower and travelling on a turtle. Beautiful areas of nature also form places of pilgrimage, devotion and sacred rituals. Visions of Mother Mary have occurred in many natural places, in caves and near springs. Going on a pilgrimage to a holy or sacred place was common as a means of connecting with one’s Source or Creator however I believe it really is about connecting with self, the Divine Self within, I call it Soul.
The indigenous peoples still maintain their connection with Earth, where they are able to, and they have a profound connection, reverence and love for the land, sky and water ways. They do not take more than they need ensuring that there is always enough for their descendants.
Perhaps nature is where we most easily meet ourselves through a simple connection with Earth. Maybe just being in a natural setting, as landscaped gardens can also be places of meditation and devotion, can help to elevate our consciousness to that of unity and oneness and ultimately to the love that holds this universe together.
When I think of trees and plants, I tend to see them as extensions of Earth, extensions of the land taking a form other than rocks and mountains. I started to perceive humans as walking versions or extensions of Earth after that! I think my soul was trying to tell me that we are connected to Earth, we are Earth just that we are walking, talking mobile parts of this planet! This also applies to animals and all lifeforms, be they bacteria or viruses. We are all Earth. Therefor to extend this further, we are all this solar system, galaxy and universe.
We cannot escape our connection to one another and our connection to Earth, however I think many of us have ignored this and one of the reasons we have people with so little respect for our finite resources is because of this: Earth is not in many people’s consciousness as a part of themselves, it is other, outside of them.
This is the same as thinking we are completely alone and apart from others whereas the truth is we are all One. When one part hurts, all other parts hurt.
There was a great experiment done by some scientists where they took a person’s cheek cells and took them a distance away from their source, about a few miles away if I remember correctly. They subjected the cheek cells to some electric shocks and were surprised to discover that the human donor at some level showed signs of reacting to these shocks are the same time!
If you think of your body as a planet and play around with the visuals of your hair as trees and plants and the bumps and rounded protrusions are mountains, hills or molehills (hahaha!) then you may begin to perceive yourself as a complex entity not unlike a planet. Out body is made of many parts, with blood vessels and lymph like rivers and the muscles like soil and bones like mountains and hills and gorges. If I cut my finger, all of me goes ouch! It is not just my finger which hurts but all of me! Including my mind! How many of you have had a toothache and it has affected your thoughts and you have felt tired, on edge and grouchy from it?
We cannot take our hearts out and expect the rest to function properly. Even doctors nowadays agree that the appendix does have a function and perhaps is best left within the body.
It is the same with Earth.
We are all connected and we are connected with this planet.
Disconnection begets pain as we do not appreciate all the wealth and resources available to us, there is just lack because somehow in our psyches we know something is missing and we try to fill it up with all sort of things yet this takes us further and further away from what we yearn for.
Creating connections is so easy, have you tried just saying hello to the person you go past every morning on the way to work? This is also creating a connection even if you get a funny look for your efforts.
Creating a connection or re-connecting with yourself with Earth is also easy. Just take a walk in the park and listen, sense and look around you. Do not try to rationalise anything that you see or hear, just be in the moment of being in the park, having a walk, smelling the flowers, playing with someone’s dog and admiring the colours around you.
Nature is the number one inspiration for artists and creators! How do you think people understood geometry? By looking at flowers and trees! How did creators get the idea for rubber suckers, by looking at the octopus! Velcro is another great example of inspiration from nature. And just look at Vincent can Gogh’s amazing paintings of sunflowers.
Nature is full of surprises, is full of medicine with herbs and berries and is medicine in itself with the higher levels of oxygen produced by the plants and trees. This environment is very different from stagnant carbon dioxide in the city due to pollution and our exhalation.
So spend as much time in nature as you possibly can.
I will be running some simple workshops in parks and special sites to help people to reconnect with themselves and to reconnect with Earth and to just be themselves.
Do join me if you would like to explore yourself in this way and to explore your connection with Earth.
Be Aware of What You Create!
WARNING! THIS IS A VERY LONG BLOG POST!
I separated from my ex-husband from 2010 and my daughter and I moved out of the family home into a flat later in the year.
We then moved into our present home on the edge of the Borough of Greenwich in April 2011.
During this time, from 2010 to 2011, I brought my daughter to see her dad during the day time from around 9.30am to 6pm or dinner every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Prior to this, my daughter did not want to spend time on her own with her father, so I suggested that I accompany them until such time when she was happy to be with him on her own during the day. Orla began spending nights with her father from November 2011 and holidays on her own with him from around 2012.
During this time, I asked for half the amount calculated by the Child Maintenance Service from my ex but he refused and gave me a quarter of it, occasionally paying for clothes, material and singing lessons.
In 2015, at age 10, Orla began to ask to spend a little less time with her father, she wanted to have some weekends with me as we had started more formal home educated lessons for her during week days. I was working facilitating Angelic Reiki and crystal workshops and giving therapy sessions over the weekends whilst she was with her father.
Throughout this time, because of guilt for deciding to break up our family and feelings of worthlessness and fear of causing conflict, I did not ask persistently for more money to help to care for my daughter. Whenever my ex wanted to take Orla on holiday, I would agree to it. I had also said that we could get divorced without any financial remedy between us as we each owned a property in London.
But this changed in 2015 as Orla began to show symptoms of stress by frequenting the toilet almost every hour when we were out. It became a challenge to travel on public transport as we needed to find a toilet at every train and tube station and she would also get very upset before she was collected by her father on Friday mornings. The frequent visits to the toilet had happened previously but this had been helped by a few courses in homeopathy.
However, this time it took much longer and Orla was still persisting in asking to spend some weekends with me instead of every weekend with her father. This was also to have a friend or two over for sleepovers and to meet friends who lived close by, whose parents I was friends with as well.
After many exasperated and angry emails from both sides and spiralling debt for me, I decided in November 2015 to ask the Child Maintenance Service to help with Child Maintenance payments from my ex-husband. All his payments stopped in December 2015 and I entered a Debt Management plan in early 2016.
We continued with our existing child contact arrangement but in February, I informed Orla’s father that she would like to spend my birthday weekend with me. He refused and came to collect her that Friday morning. I initially refused to go to the door but after 10 minutes, I finally went down and spoke to him. This was very frightening for me, although my ex-husband had never physically hurt me, he had been verbally and emotionally abusive during our separation and I hated confrontation with him, especially now that the hornet’s nest had been stirred to a frenzy with the Child Maintenance Service speaking to him about his legal duty to pay the appropriate amount of Child Maintenance. The CMS did not agree with his calculations and his assertions: the money they calculated was due to me by law and already been adjusted/reduced in acknowledgement of the time she spent with him.
Orla had also decided that she did not want to go away to France on holiday with her father three times a year as she had previously and she wanted to spend time in London when my family were here on holiday. This further infuriated my ex-husband and the emails and accusations multiplied.
In December 2015, he wrote to me to enter into mediation about the Child Maintenance, but I refused as the Child Maintenance Service was on the case and they had advised me about what my legal rights were with regards to Child Maintenance. Mediation required fees and I had no money to pay for the meetings.
In March 2016, I decided to enter into the Mediation process to discuss and resolve the child contact issue because Orla still persisted in requesting more time with me and her father and I had not achieved any agreement at all. I also wanted an independent third party to keep us in line, to keep us calm and to act reasonably to each other.
We finally agreed to work with the Mediation firm I had suggested although my ex-husband insisted on a change in the actual mediator as he felt the original person was too old and traditional to be an unbiased party.
We had our first one and a half hour meeting in June 2016 and during that meeting, I said that I was happy to resolve all the child maintenance and financial issues through this route.
At our second meeting, I suggested that Orla met the mediator herself to clarify what she really wanted as my ex was claiming that I was influencing her decisions. This was agreed and Orla spoke to our mediator for one and a half hours on her own.
What she said was reported back to my ex-husband and me at our third meeting. By this time, my ex-husband had offered to pay for my share of the second and third meetings to speed up the process as I could only afford to pay for one meeting a month. All mediation meetings happened in June 2016.
Orla’s father was very angry with the mediator after the third meeting as he had reported that Orla did indeed want to spend more time with me and that she did not want to go on holiday with him that summer to France. During this meeting, I was also asked to leave the room for 15 minutes as our mediator wanted to speak privately to him about his meeting with Orla, so I have no idea what was said between them during that time.
After this meeting, my ex-husband declared that the mediator was biased and that he was unhappy with his feedback.
Unfortunately, this led to a complete break-down of communication between us as I refused to speak to him without the presence of a professional third party, as all our conversations would erupt into anger and accusations with no regard for my daughter’s wishes. He refused to continue with the mediation process as our mediator informed us that as my ex had accused him of being biased, we would require a second mediator and therefore more payment, to maintain trust in this process and the original mediator.
We were at a stalemate.
I sought legal advice through the University of Greenwich law school, who offer an hour’s free consultation for family matters with a qualified solicitor in the company of two law students, so I decided to change my daughter’s extent of contact with her father according to her wishes and wrote to her father about these changes.
In July 2016, I received a letter from the Family Court informing me that my ex-husband had applied for a hearing with regards to Child Contact. Within his application were accusations that I physically (not enough food), emotionally and mentally abused my daughter and that I was turning her against him. This was terrifying as I did not have any money for any legal assistance and certainly did not qualify for Legal Aid. What was more terrifying were all the accusations and the implications of them if the Court chose to believe them.
Within a week, I also received another letter from the Family Court advising me of my ex-husband’s application for a divorce on the grounds that we had been separated for five years. I received this letter a day after my father passed away.
By July, my ex-husband had begun paying the amount of Child Maintenance as advised by the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) as they had threatened to take the money directly from his bank account plus an extra 20 percent on top of that as a fee for this service. I would lose 8 percent of the Child Maintenance as a result too.
On receipt of the notification about the Divorce application, I decided to apply for a Financial Remedy, and a date was set for the first hearing in January 2017.
The first hearing for the Child Contact case was in October 2016. A few days before the hearing, I received a letter from the Court and my ex-husband’s solicitor informing me that he would be represented by a barrister at the hearing.
All I can say is that my stress and anxiety increased even more! I was already very anxious from the time I contacted the CMS late 2015 as I knew that the response from my ex-husband would be terrifying enough! I had no money to employ a legal team let alone a barrister to represent me in court. I would have to do it myself and face my ex’s barrister too.
This is the first time I am putting this period of my life on paper and in such detail. I had spoken to a few friends during that time and had mixed reactions. Some projected their own fear, insecurities and anger on to me.
I did not speak to many people as I did not want to experience the rush of fear and anxiety every time I spoke about it, and I think most felt that I was crazy for not somehow resolving it with my ex-husband.
In many ways, I felt very guilty for not coming to an amicable arrangement with him, I felt like a bitch for asking the CMS for help with the maintenance payments and I also felt like a greedy cow for going for the Financial Remedy.
However, regardless of how I felt about my worth, I was due Child Maintenance payments greater than what I was receiving and it was obvious from the Judge at the first Financial remedy meeting, that I was also due a Financial Remedy from the divorce, the extent of which was to be ascertained.
My daughter was also old and articulate enough to request a change in the contact which she had with her dad that we had imposed on her. She was not looking to stop seeing her dad at all: she just wanted the same amount of holiday time with me and alternate weekends too, especially since she had begun secondary school in October 2016.
Orla was interviewed by Cafcass, the children’s charity working for the Family Court, even though her father through his barrister had insisted that she was too young for her preferences to be considered. Cafcass and the Family Court listened to her requests and she now spends half of all her holidays with me and also alternate weekends. Cafcass did not find that I had deliberately influenced her against her father. There were no findings of abuse in any way from me towards my daughter.
I represented myself through both hearings of the Child Contact case, in front of a panel of three magistrates, my ex and his barrister. However, I had received substantial support and advice from my sister and her husband who are both barristers practicing in Malaysia. I also have my therapist to thank for all the work we did together, sometimes having sessions the day before the hearings. I also had the company of a McKenzie Friend during the hearings, a friend whom I was allowed to invite into the hearing but could not address the court.
I received a Financial settlement after two hearings with the District Judge, once again representing myself, with my brother in law as my McKenzie friend during the first hearing and on my own during the second hearing, where we agreed on a sum and completed the case. My ex-husband was again represented by his barrister during these hearings.
Through greater awareness of my Patterns/Dysfunction working from my subconscious and conscious thoughts and through attending Angelic Reiki workshops, Natural Success and SuperGenius Life workshops with William Whitecloud and Ryan Pinnick, I realised that I created all this.
I felt worthless and I believed that I did not deserve any help and I was afraid that if I did ask for anything, I would not get it. In fact, not only did I believe subconsciously that the answer would be no, but I would also get abused or punished just for having the audacity to ask for it and hey presto!
I was also imperfect, a terrible mother, no matter how hard I tried I would never succeed in raising my daughter well. I had to constantly work so hard just to get the pittance that I received or the validation that I craved and there was no guarantee of that. It was all pain and suffering with little to no fun at all.
Even though I feel so much stronger and more empowered for having been through this experience and it challenged me to be clear and succinct in court and face the fear of possibly making a fool of myself in front of people I did not know, this whole process could have been resolved much earlier on. Yes, I stood up for my daughter and her right to choose and I received a Financial Remedy and am in receipt of the appropriate Child Maintenance but her father and I could have communicated better, set our boundaries and allowed change to be accommodated as our daughter grew up. But my Patterns and Dysfunctions were playing out automatically: all my responses were on default settings.
Now I know.
I know how important it is to be aware of all our thoughts and feelings because they run the show and create the experiences we have.
I know that this also means I have to know myself well, not just for the negatives but for the dreams too, so that I can create them from a place of Soul expression and love.
I also realise that that conflict is ok and to stop trying to avoid it by speaking up and speaking truthfully.
It also showed me that anger is ok, and it is anger which made me apply for the Financial Remedy which has helped to pay for most of my debt and for workshops which have really helped me in my awareness and business. Anger as an emotion (like every emotion) is fine, it’s what we do with it which counts: do we murder someone or do we ask for what we are due? It is our choice.
For so many years, I did not know myself at all, I was lost, confused, frustrated, with the inability to really express myself from my heart: being vulnerable was terrifying! I had little if no self-esteem, I hated myself.
I drank to escape, got angry and lost my temper very easily, I felt I had to hide parts of myself which were unacceptable.
Now, armed with much greater awareness and a vision of what I love, I would love to help people, especially women who have lost their sense of self, their connections to their Souls and have lost their unique, beautiful self-expression.
I have bared my soul and my foibles over the last few years in the writing above so that you can know that you are not alone, that there is light at the end of your tunnel, that the pain and suffering will not last long, especially if you gain an awareness of where it is coming from: you can indeed stop it at any time due to your choice.
I run loving, peaceful and joy filled gong baths and meditation workshops in Blackheath, I also help people with mentoring and programmes to enjoy discovering yourself.
Do join me for a taste of your own Soul and rediscovery of your unique magic. Have fun and embrace yourself completely, because you are indeed already perfect and whole, you just need to change your perspective of yourself.
Ananda is a crystal-crazy therapist, an