My "Awakening", sort of!
Changes of perception.
I didn’t have an amazing “awakening” suddenly visited by ETs or angels, nor did I see a flash of light and hear a loud voice in my mind telling me I was here to help people in the world, although I remember having a feeling when I was very young that I would do so.
It was all quite sedate and mundane really and it came about because my relationships were not going well, I didn’t like who I was and was angry at myself for this. I could not communicate at all and found that I was completely disconnected from my emotions. So what would happen was a great volcanic eruption of anger when something didn’t turn out right or when I was stressed out.
So I changed my diet because my back was aching all the time and my bowels weren’t working well and I started to read some interesting books including heart centred caring for children. All this happened whilst I had post-natal depression, but I knew I had problems with expressing myself way before this.
I was desperately unhappy that I was not enjoying motherhood. I found everything to do with caring for my daughter really hard. I didn’t know how to tap into my intuition to help me with her care. It made me really sad because I wanted this time to be full of fun and joy. I just got lower and lower and hated myself even more.
What helped me out of this state and into my present work as a therapist was the decision I made to change. I wanted to change because I wanted to be a better parent to my child. I lacked energy, I was angry, then morose, and nothing anyone said or did could get me out of that state of mind. It was very bleak indeed. I don’t know if one could call it the “dark night of the soul” because there were many days, months and years of it before I decided to change. I suppose one could call it depression.
The impetus for change was because of another: my daughter.
It got me out of my hole of despair and stopped me wallowing in guilt and hate for myself. My focus changed from just existing to having a reason to live and to live well.
Within a month of going raw vegan, I found my mind less foggy and I had so much more energy as well. All the low heavy feelings I had had before this disappeared. I was on my way out of this state of loathing, self-hate, guilt and anger. (I am not raw vegan any more but am still vegetarian and have my raw smoothie once a day.)
Now looking back and after reading other people’s accounts of their depression and how they emerged from it, I realise that there are some ways people can help themselves to cope with it or to emerge from it completely. I still have dark days, but I know how to help myself and also whom to get help from if I need to and I realise that these days do not last forever (unless I decided I want to stay in this state) and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if at that point I cannot perceive it at all and believe me, the perception of light or relief can be non-existent.
I know now that I am in charge of how I feel and my emotional and physical state. I also know that I am in charge of my reactions to people, what they say and what they do. And I choose my response too, even if it means taking a few days to think of how I really feel about it.
Changing the diet and emerging from depression occurred in 2007 when Orla was two years old, almost 11 years ago.
It was 2009 when I attended the first Angelic Reiki workshop and suddenly, I was hearing voices and hearing crystals and baskets made by the Native American peoples at the British Museum. The voices weren’t loud or intrusive, almost like whispers and sometimes there were no words at all, just sensations of energy all around my body especially around the right side of my head. I really did not expect this and it certainly was not advertised. AR is an alternative healing therapy and I believe it strongly connects people to their Soul/SuperConscious/SuperGenius state.
This is why I love facilitating AR workshops, there is so much potential for people to connect with themselves, because ultimately, it is just a remembering of ourselves, not a reliance on any outside force no matter how benevolent and helpful it may seem to be.
After this my life changed and separation from Orla’s father ensued and we moved away from the family home.
I only attended workshops again in 2011 and completed my AR journey in 2012, taught my first ever workshop (got ill during it too! What resistance!) in October of the same year and I have not looked back since.
It was not a bed of roses, the money was tight and I was still home schooling Orla full time during the week but somehow I managed. In many ways, I still think that my new career has yet to really lift off, but I am working on it! I used to work as a qualified Architect in the city.
Neither did I suddenly happen to write my experiences and draw my geometric codes. I have just turned 48, it has taken all my life and all my experiences and many great workshops to get to this place now. My progress has always been slow and steady, doh, even if the changes have been pretty fast! Perhaps it just shows the contrast between my Ego/Personality and my Soul. Soul can be like quicksilver, whilst the Ego tails behind, sometimes dragging its feet a little…
The reason I am writing this is to illustrate that what the spiritual community term as an “awakening” can be a pretty long, drawn out affair, with very seemingly dull happenings and instances, but perhaps I am just really slow with the movement in my life and it’s not just my Ego kicking and screaming!
For others, they have a strong “awakening”, an urge or sudden knowing that they have a unique purpose which they would love to fulfil. For the very intuitive or psychic ones, they may even have visions or see beings and energies. Sadly I am not one of those, my gift does not include the seeing of energies, angels or ET’s. But it does happen to other people! Take Tom Kenyon who had visions of angels (and told them to go away which they did) and “saw” geometries unfolding before his eyes whilst he was out in nature.
For others, they have the dark night of the soul, where if I understand correctly, they experience a loss of purpose, a complete paradigm shift which can plunge them into a bleak and dark space, possibly depression.
The reason I am sharing this is because everyone’s way of dealing with changes is different, even life changing metamorphoses! And it is ok for all of us to have our own unique process.
I always say to my classes that I believe that there are as many therapies as there are people in the world because we are all different, so all our reactions and responses to sudden enlightenment or paradigm shifts will be different too. Sure there will be some similarities, but the way we manifest and navigate through them will be unique to us.
The important thing to know is that if you are in a dark state, it will not last forever, that you are not alone and there is help too! Just ask for it!
I know that whilst in that state and it does still happen sometimes, it is very difficult to see the way out and it is very lonely indeed. Now I know that lots of people go through it too.
Ultimately, you have a choice about how this process goes and how long it will take to complete so that you can begin your next glorious cycle of life.
It really showed me in hind sight, because even after getting out of depression, I didn’t realise that I was in it, I was so stuck in that state and it became a wallow in victimhood and self-hate too.
Some suggestions for people who are experiencing symptoms similar to what I have described above:
I hope this helps and I also hope it removes the idea that an awakening (which is really greater awareness to life, possibilities and self) has to be monumental or cathartic.
It can take many forms and guises and need not necessarily be difficult and dark. It can be a rapture! Why not! I am sure that for many youngsters, it could be that if not unnecessary as they are so open and aware anyway.
Ultimately we need to give ourselves the time and space for all our processes however long or short they are.
We are all evolving works of art! Enjoy it!
Running away from Ourselves
The image above is by Rasoulli
I am your Shadow, do not disdain me
I only exist because you created me
So that you could survive
When you were hurt and fearful for our life.
I am your Shadow
Apart and other, alien
A monster, a wraith, a murderer
Jealous, hungry and wrathful
You don’t want to see me
You can’t imagine that I am you
You don’t want to hear me
When I whisper our pain to you
My heart bleeds
My body carries the welts and bruises
From our experiences
I am disembodied, alone, so alone
I search for you
Like a lover
Yearning for our reunion
The re-membering of all our parts together
I reach for you
To share our pain, our sorrow, our anger
But you flee
Always running away from me
The longer we are apart
The heavier am I
The more you ignore me
The larger I become
For as I float apart in space
Our pain gathers apace
The memories clamour for speech
The wounds cry out for light
For to be acknowledged and
To be seen is to reveal
The depths of the pain
Do you think you can truly hide from me?
I am the supreme detective
I always find you through all space and time
Even when you shape-shift
You are the form to my shapelessness
You are the light to my darkness
You are the return journey home
You are me
Love is the balm for our wounds
Love is the succour of my loneliness
Love is the healer and joiner of all
Love calls to me and I come, I come to you
Through your eyes
For our Soul’s light to shine on me
Through your voice
For our Soul’s song to trill through me
My tears finally shed
My cries finding voice
My body, the embrace
The Love and Union I crave
I become lighter,
I become Lux and symphony
Weaving its way through
The suffering and agony
Through our Soul’s light
I merge with you again
Pain lost but not forgotten
Wounds cauterised, all bleeding ceases
We dance together
Our soul alight
Our story an aria
Our memories starlight
Our journey together, whole, begins again
Ananda is a crystal-crazy therapist, an